


Caught Up

by GalaxyAqua



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Melancholy, POV Second Person, Post-Canon, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 21:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6211063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxyAqua/pseuds/GalaxyAqua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s hard, waking up and thinking like two different people – the old Yasuhiro, the one that learned and loved and threw Leon Kuwata into the ocean as a joke, and the new one; the broken one. The one that saw blood and murder and betrayal and will never recover from perpetual paranoia. You're both though. That won't ever change. You will never get better. Growing to accept it is the hardest part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caught Up

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Hagakure without making him out to be a comic relief character (sorry Yasu, you're just too easy to make fun of), so I hope this interpretation is okay.

It’s all so real in your mind.

Brightness. Colour. Happiness. Distant memories of laughter and blossoming warmth. The feeling of smooth crystal under your fingertips, nails tugging on splinters, loud apologies and teeth clacking together. Pens gliding across paper, feet tapping on the ground, _his_ winning smile, and your fall. Shattering glass, mischievous toes under the table. Chaotic. Everywhere. And yet everything seems so real.

To be fair, it was real. It was. It’s a lot like magic. Conspiracy. Seems real, but doesn’t feel like it.  

Your life at Hope’s Peak Academy. The life you lost; the life stolen from you.

It’s _surreal_ , in fact.

You never expected to remember. You didn’t want to remember.

To you, being alive meant – and would always mean – moving forward. Building a path out of nothing.  

That’s why you weren’t like the others at all – not like hopeful Naegi or optimistic Asahina, not like calculating Kirigiri or cryptic Togami, certainly not like fanatical Fukawa. You didn’t want the damn memories back. You didn’t want to think about things like the past. You didn’t think the abandoned past had anything to do with the future.

Mostly, you didn’t want to retrieve the forgotten years of school and heartbreak and disappointment. You didn’t want to plunge further into inevitable debt and danger, into the added stress of you having angered more people than you knew of. You didn’t want to be reminded of what an utter failure you were. What an absolute waste of space you’ve been.

You didn’t want that. You don’t want that.

But what you want doesn’t matter, anymore. Not now. Not when you’ve seen.

Not when _his_ victory screech sounds so much like _his_ tortured screams of pain; not when you still see _his_ desperate blue eyes, pleading to be spared, pleading to be given one final chance. Pleading forgiveness and humanity.

What you want doesn’t matter anymore.

Not when you remember _him_ telling you _he loves you_ for the first time. The last time.

God, you never got the chance to say it back, either.

But still;

You and _Leon Kuwata_? Who would’ve thought? Of all the people, man, that would have been so frickin’ weird, you can’t even imagine being that close to his face, or finding him cute, or agonizing over asking him out, and did you mention that would have been real weird? Like, honestly, you don’t think you even went past bro-stage with Leon during the Mutual Killing, hahaha, how the hell would you have ever fallen for him and his stupid –  

Shit.

You did, once.

Over a year ago, you had his trembling fist in yours, as you stood with metal plates and bolts scattered all around. He had finally – finally voiced his concern – and you had whispered, “It’s going to be all right. We’re gonna get through this, don’t worry man. We’re getting through this together. You and me, and maybe everybody else. Together.”

And he had withdrawn his hand to punch you then, unable to keep the relieved grin off his lips as he replied, “I know that, you idiot. If anything, I should be reassuring you. Yasu, you’re so jumpy lately, even the tiniest thing would scare you out of your skin.”  

“I’m not afraid. I got this, dude.” You had tried to laugh off, hands up in a gesture of surrender, but he stuck his tongue out at you anyway. Your voice had cracked.

“Don’t lie, babe,” Leon, oh God almighty, Buddha, Heavenly Mother, Universe, Supreme Kai, _Leon,_ had traced his thumb gently down your cheek and you had started to cry. It burned right down through your chest. The pressure of it all. The pain. It was so much – too much – to handle. “Shh,” He murmured soothingly, “Hey, no, no, it’s okay. I’m not blaming you; you’re the biggest scaredy-cat I know. Biggest also literally. I bet it’s your dumb-ass hair.”

What would you have done then, if you knew?

“Jerk,” you accused. He winked at you.

“But I’m your jerk.” Dear spirits above, _Leon_. “And seriously, chill, man. I’ll be here for ya. Always.”

“Cheeseball.”

“Coward.”

“… Leon –”

“Got you to smile, didn’t I?”

He was right, by the way. You smiled, but you were scared shitless, and still are. Sometimes you wish you just died with the rest of them. Sometimes you wonder why you of all people deserved to live, while they didn’t. While _he_ didn’t.

But even if he was right, you were wrong.

Together? What a joke.

He died alone, while you and all those people you call friends stood safely behind bars. Watching. Waiting.

Told that this skewed justice was what he had coming – even if it was just obnoxious, insecure, baseball sweetheart Leon Kuwata who only wanted to seem cooler than he actually was. Who was terrified and couldn’t think straight, who was lured into a siren’s trap and couldn’t blame the gorgeous Sayaka because he held all the blame to his lost lonely self; through all that bravado, he regretted it until the very end.  

But he was so damn scared. He could never sacrifice his own life for someone he thought was a stranger. Even if you remember now, that Leon was chasing skirts all of first year. Even if you remember Sayaka Maizono gazing at you with her twinkling eyes and telling you to get him off her back. Even if you remember their budding friendship, after they’d both agreed that romantic was not their place to go.

He was paralyzed in fear, you know. You couldn’t read him at the time, but your new memories tell you enough. Where were you? Why didn’t you find a better way? Why didn’t you see that this was not an elaborate party plan until three dead bodies laid cold on the floor?

You didn’t hate yourself then, but you do now.

Leon is not coming back.

Shit, shit, shit.

Shit. That hurts.

You kind of miss him.

Sometimes you miss him so much it hurts; your insides ache and the occult bullshit you once hated haunts every corner of your mind. You don’t cope easily during those times. You lock yourself in, and cry yourself to sleep.

Sometimes you don’t miss him very much though. To you, he was just a classmate that did something really fucking stupid, and got punished for it. You fall out of yourself, and don’t feel a thing for him, or for anyone. You just feel empty and dry.  

It’s hard, waking up and thinking like two different people – the old Yasuhiro, the one that learned and loved and threw Leon Kuwata into the ocean as a joke, and the new one; the broken one. The one that saw blood and murder and betrayal and will never recover from perpetual paranoia.

Your anxiety will never leave you.

Your fear will always be rooted deep in your heart.

You hate yourself.

You miss Leon.

And sometimes you don’t.

Then you hate yourself more.

* * *

 

Future Foundation feels safe to you. Not always, but it’s better than anywhere else in the world.

You never paid back that massive debt to the yakuza, by the way. There’s no point – you’re never gonna get the money across anyway (if you ever obtained the money, which is near impossible) – but it feels like a duty to be done, and so you go about trying to pay it back anyway.

If you could, it would do wonders for your emotional state. You’d like to hold onto that hope.

Towa City gives you nightmares.

Kanon Nakajima gives you nightmares.

She’s a sweet girl, as sweet a girl as the apocalypse can give you anyway, and she’s tough as nails – strong, beautiful and fierce.

She’s Leon’s type of girl; athletic and smart, and cover girl pretty. If he had still been around, you’re sure that had he met Kanon, he would never have looked at you twice.

Kanon bursts into tears at the most inopportune times. She says you remind her of someone. You later learn that it’s the very person you’d think would love her to bits.  

Funnily enough, you discover that he did. Leon loved Kanon, not like he loved you, but he held her close to his heart. In fact, Kanon was the important captive taken from him by team despair, just like your dearest mother and Naegi’s bubbly sister and so on and so forth.   

Kanon, same as the old you, was in love with Leon.

You don’t mind it much – it creeps you the hell out how _much_ she loved him, rather than the fact that she _did_ – but your paranoia eats you up. You think she’ll know. She’ll know everything you’re thinking, and she’ll know about you and Leon and she’ll know how much you’ve torn yourself apart because you don’t want to love Leon anymore but you don’t want to let go of him either.

To her, you bear only bad news, and vice versa. You can’t be around Kanon for too long. It disrupts your soul. She keeps seeing Leon in you, and you keep seeing why Leon adored her so, and you wonder if you and Kanon could be family in some twisted way.

Then Kanon tries to kill you.

But you’re fucked up somewhere, so you forgive her, and save her, and take her in anyway.

* * *

 

Your love for Leon wavers the more your new memories clash with your old. You catch yourself saying his name sometimes, when nobody’s around, but the walls have ears, and there’s always someone. A particular someone.

“It’s a long time to mourn,” Kirigiri has informed you. An unlikely confidante. She seems to have words left unsaid and feelings left unattended herself, but as far as you know, she will not share anything of herself without a price. “I’m not saying ‘get over it’, but one day, it’s not going to mean much to you anymore. So don’t wreck yourself over him. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

“Thanks,” you mutter. “I know that. Of course I know that.”

“You’re smarter than you let on.” She says coolly. It’s a high compliment, coming from her. “Your head is just always lost somewhere. In the wrong place, at the wrong time.”

“In the clouds, as they say.” You chuckle, waving a hand. “Maybe it’s better up there. I don’t wanna be here anyway.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Kirigiri sighs. “Your mother’s on her way. If she sees you so gloomy, she’ll tackle you, you know.”

You do know. That’s why you love her so. That’s why you couldn’t bear to live if you ever heard that anybody laid hands on Hiroko Hagakure; the greatest person you have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Some of the fog clears, then. You still have her. You still have her and the others from Future Foundation. And you still have people to take care of. To treasure.

The one you love most in the world will always be your mother.

There’s not a doubt about that, and you don’t feel guilty for saying so – you’re certain Leon will understand. You cannot love him like you did once, nor can you keep loving him for all eternity, because human beings do not have that capacity or strength.

In the same way you adore your mother, you’re sure Leon valued Kanon more than you – because it’s family, and family is ties beyond what the eye can see.

It’s what keeps you breathing now. It’s what keeps you going, keeps you moving, keeps you loving.

But what you and Leon had, whatever it was that had you swallowing nerves and holding back sweaty hands and thinking he was the most beautiful person in the world, is over.

Forever.

It’s just a shame that when your past finally caught up to you, you had already lost him.

Forever.

…

If only you had told him you loved him before it was too late.


End file.
